Hello everyone! Sorry for being dead this past month, a ton has happened! I found out that I am pregnant, and things have been on the up and up since my anxiety post during the beginning of the month. We've put together out desk, bought/put together/filled our new dresser, and I've almost completely unpacked the whole house.
For the next nine months, I'm going to track my progress and personal experience during pregnancy. At only 5 weeks, a lot can happen before I'm out of the woods. Those of you who are unaware, I've already had one miscarriage; last December. That doesn't mean I can't have a healthy pregnancy and carry baby to term. It also means that every ache and pain and anything I could possibly feel makes me afraid that I'm having a miscarriage.
With morning sickness, mood swings, food aversions and cravings, and extreme fatigue, I've got all the tell tale signs that there's a bun in the oven. Yesterday morning (Sunday), the one thing no pregnant woman wants to see reared its ugly head; blood. Freaking out, I called my husband to the bathroom and told him I think I'm having a miscarriage. Again. But the level-headed man that he is, he talked me off the ledge and got me to call the 24 hour RN to get some medical advice as to what to do. She said it could just be implantation spotting. Implantation spotting is when the fertilized egg attaches to the lining of the uterus, rupturing some blood vessels and causing light bleeding. It usually occurs 6-12 days after conception, and typically lasts 1-2 days.
My mind slowly easing off the derailed miscarriage train, I thought it's probably only implantation bleeding. After all, I had some spotting during my last pregnancy, long before my body terminated the pregnancy, and was completely fine. This time, which is even lighter than last time and more accurately within the time line of when implantation spotting occurs, I should be less anxious. Yet here I am, freaking out via blog post, watching The Office, eating homemade lemon cupcakes. Why? Because I'm still technically pregnant and that's what pregnant women do.
The good news is that last night, I got super nauseous and ended up losing some noodles that I ate for dinner. I know, how is that good news? Morning sickness means your body is still producing those raging pregnancy hormones that baby needs to grow. Not every woman will have morning sickness during pregnancy, though many will. I am one of the ones that has experienced it.
I've also had my fair share of mood swings, which are like PMS times eight thousand. A plastic bag blowing in the wind could set me over the edge into tears. My husband filling up the water pitcher's filter before pouring me a glass could be the end of life as we know it. It's hard, but it's also good that I'm having these mood swings because those hormones are still raging, and baby is still growing.
This post is meant to reassure myself that I can carry this baby to term, and that even if I don't, I WILL carry a baby to term. I don't know if there are any other expecting mothers out there that are going through something similar to what I am. If you're like me, leave a comment below and we can help build each other up in support. It's important to have a group of people, in person or virtually, that are on your team and what to see you be your best self.
Through my past miscarriage, I learned that even people in your family circle can be pretty cruel and insensitive. You don't have to have negative people in your life, and it's up to you to stand up fr yourself. Positive thinking, however small, can help you grow. At the same time, negative thinking can deter you from reaching your full potential. I don't have answers as to how to deal with bad moments in your life.
Being pregnant, no matter what your age is, is both wonderful and terrifying. Especially in the first trimester. You don't know whether or not your going to be in the delivery room in nine months. You don't know if you should be over the moon and tell everyone from Obama to One Direction. The unknown variables are constantly piling up for me, and with anxiety, the weight is starting to implode. This time is different. And it's hard not to compare this pregnancy with my last one. Very hard. But this time IS different. I'm different. My husband is different. Copper is different. Our circumstances are different. Everything is different. Through faith, I came back to the light after being in such a dark place over Christmas and the New Year. Unlike last time. I'm relying on faith to get me through everything now, not just some things.
I hope you guys enjoy the new saga of posts that will be uploaded throughout this pregnancy, however long that may be. I'm confident that whatever the outcome, I'll be better than I am today. Leave comments with your thoughts/experience. I love hearing from you guys.
Live long and prosper.
Monday, April 25, 2016
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Anxiety; Is It Real?
In my life, I've met many a person expressing their frustration with anxiety. Sometimes, it feels like everyone seems to "have it." But there is a difference between normal anxiousness, like before a test, and stressing yourself out to the point of sickness, hives, or even panic attacks. Through my years of personal experience, I've come to find out that nine times out of ten, the people who actually have anxiety don't talk about it. I am one of those people. (Though I suppose once this post goes up, I'll no longer be one of those people.)
As a child, my parents often told me to straighten up, behave, and stop being overly dramatic. Most of the time, it happened in crowds, at parties, out to dinner, before school, and anywhere that basically yanked me away from my safety bubble. At the time, I kicked myself over and over again for feeling the way I did. Looking back on it, I wish I could tell my younger self that it was going to be okay, and it wasn't my fault. It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly when my panic attacks started, mostly because I wasn't aware that's what they were.
I don't know how to go about writing this post, whether I should talk about any specific instances where I panicked, or not. It's hard thinking about those moments, even the ones when I was much younger, because it brings back all those anxious feelings.
A better way for me to talk about anxiety would be to talk about some of my triggers, and what I try to do to try and calm down.
For me, some of the best ways I combat my anxiety are: removing myself from the situation, having quiet, taking a nap, reading a book, and writing. These might not be what help you calm down, but give some of them a try. Especially removing yourself from the situation that's making you feel so anxious. I never thought that it could help me feel better, but it does. It's harder for me to calm down when I'm having a panic attack, but getting somewhere quiet and alone usually helps them not last as long. I try to tell myself that it's only temporary, and I'm not actually dying. It'll be over soon, and then I can move on.
Though I haven't touched on it much, I also suffer from chronic hives. I've been on every allergy and anti-inflammatory drug in the book. Steroids included. But none of that helped the hives. Imagine feeling the worst sunburn of your life, taking a scalding hot shower, then have fire ants biting you and that's what it feels like sometimes. One doctor even told me that my body thinks it's allergic to my own skin, so my immune system was attacking me and causing the hives. Unfortunately, none of the medications he prescribed did anything. My husband thinks it could have to do with my anxiety, and not being able to calm myself down in those moments of distress. After recording when I get the hives, keeping food journals, and noticing a correlation between the anxiety and hives, I'm starting to see that there has got to be the problem.
Even though my body panics at the slightest levels of stress, and my body attacks itself, the reason it's doing these things is to try and protect me. It's hard to look at it that way, especially when I'm in the middle of almost dying. But after having the miscarriage last Christmas, my panic attacks last a lot longer than they used to. Some even have what I call aftershocks, and I have multiple attacks throughout the day. On any given day, they can happen. Hives and panic attacks alike.
What I've been learning is that it isn't my fault. Anxiety is never your fault. It's okay to not feel okay, but it isn't okay to blame yourself for it. Panic attacks are never your fault. Don't let anyone try to belittle you, force you to do things you're not comfortable with, or tell you that you can just flip a switch and change. Everything takes time. I'm almost 22 years old, and I'm just now starting to cope with having anxiety. Never put a time limit on yourself of when you're supposed to feel better, or be "normal." That's going to make things ten thousand times harder for you. Focus on the present, and do what you can do without pushing yourself to that breaking point. And if you do start to go down that path, that's okay. You're learning how to cope with anxiety. Like Thomas Edison said when he invented the light bulb, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
It's easy to let anxiety rule your life; I've let it rule mine for a long, long time. What isn't easy is working hard trying to find ways to help you combat those feelings. Don't be upset with yourself if it doesn't happen right away. You're giving it your best effort. Start with walking to door, then open it. Walk through the door to the driveway, then to the mailbox. Before you know it, you'll be walking/running/driving/flying all over the place. All because you wanted to get better.
There are still going to be some things that are very difficult for you to do. Focusing on those things will take away from the achievements you make every day in reaching the goal you've set for yourself. Revel in those moments of conquer, and let it be a reminder for you to keep moving forward.
This blog post makes me feel like I've rambled on for three weeks straight, and I don't want to go on for too much longer. If any of you struggle with anxiety, please try some of the things mentioned that help me. Missing out on opportunities in life is no way to live. You can do anything you want to do, even if you have anxiety. It just takes a little tie for people like us to figure out what it IS we want to do, and then put it into action. I'd like to open up the comment section as a hub for anyone seeking advice, help, support, or just needs to talk with someone dealing with similar ailments. Feel free to comment down below if you, or someone you know, has anxiety. There might be ways that calm you down I haven't mentioned, and you can leave those options down below too.
Thank you to everyone who reads my posts, it's very reassuring that all of you are interested in what I have to say. This topic hits home for me, and I'd like to start shedding more and more light on it because I think a lot of you can benefit from this.
Remember, you are never alone. No matter what you think, it will always get better.
Live long and prosper.
As a child, my parents often told me to straighten up, behave, and stop being overly dramatic. Most of the time, it happened in crowds, at parties, out to dinner, before school, and anywhere that basically yanked me away from my safety bubble. At the time, I kicked myself over and over again for feeling the way I did. Looking back on it, I wish I could tell my younger self that it was going to be okay, and it wasn't my fault. It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly when my panic attacks started, mostly because I wasn't aware that's what they were.
I don't know how to go about writing this post, whether I should talk about any specific instances where I panicked, or not. It's hard thinking about those moments, even the ones when I was much younger, because it brings back all those anxious feelings.
A better way for me to talk about anxiety would be to talk about some of my triggers, and what I try to do to try and calm down.
- Crowds.
- This is the number on trigger I have. Any type of crowd, even if it's people I know, set me over the edge. It makes me feel like everyone is watching me, and then I worry about what it is they could thinking about me. It feels like the masses of people are closing in around me, and I'm going to be consumed. Then the panic really sets in. If I can get myself away from the situation, whatever it is that entails, I can usually avoid a full on panic attack. But more often than not, I'm unable to get away. In those cases, I feel utterly embarrassed, mortified, and I never want to go out in public again.Everything seems to be closing in all around me, and when I'm stuck facing the situation, I fail every time.
- Touch.
- It sounds like such a weird thing to be triggered by, but touch is another big one for me. I'm okay shaking hands when meeting someone, hugging close family or friends, and snuggling the crap out of Copper (my puppy). What I'm not okay with are those awkward moments in crowds, where you and a person going to opposite way play chicken, and one of you needs to move out of the way before a collision. I try to be that person who moves. Although in large crowds, and with already being really anxious, it's hard to constantly swerve around people. There are times when people ram into me, shove me out of the way, or even yell at me for not moving to make a path for them.
- Stress.
- I understand that everyone experiences stress in their life. But for someone with anxiety, normal stress can turn into me feeling like I'm dying very quickly. I watched a YouTube video by Zoella a while ago, and I thought her illustration of anxiety was spot on. It made me feel like someone finally understood. She said that a person who has anxiety is like a car whose alarm goes off when the wind blows, and people without anxiety are the cars around it that need their windows smashed before their alarms go off. Basically, little things can and do push me to the point of panic. I just recently filed my taxes, and sitting in a private cubicle with the woman doing our taxes and my husband, it took everything in my power not to have a breakdown. It took somewhere between 45 minutes to an hour before we were done, and it wasn't bad at all. For some reason, sitting there made me feel so anxious I almost lost it.
- Attention.
- When I say attention, I mean when I get thrust into being the center of it. Every time it happens, I feel so unprepared for it. Believe it or not, my husband has done this to me many a time, and it kills me. He doesn't do it intentionally, but it's easy for him to forget about my anxiety because I'm generally bubbly, happy-go-lucky, and eager to be nice to everyone. So naturally, he assumes I want to be the center of attention. But it's quite the contrary. When I am thrust into the limelight, my hands and underarms immediately get sweaty. My heart starts to beat really fast, and I regret whatever it is that I'm wearing because it's stifling hot. It's easier for me to calm down from this than it is for the others, mainly because I can pass the attention on to someone else. Or leave.
For me, some of the best ways I combat my anxiety are: removing myself from the situation, having quiet, taking a nap, reading a book, and writing. These might not be what help you calm down, but give some of them a try. Especially removing yourself from the situation that's making you feel so anxious. I never thought that it could help me feel better, but it does. It's harder for me to calm down when I'm having a panic attack, but getting somewhere quiet and alone usually helps them not last as long. I try to tell myself that it's only temporary, and I'm not actually dying. It'll be over soon, and then I can move on.
Though I haven't touched on it much, I also suffer from chronic hives. I've been on every allergy and anti-inflammatory drug in the book. Steroids included. But none of that helped the hives. Imagine feeling the worst sunburn of your life, taking a scalding hot shower, then have fire ants biting you and that's what it feels like sometimes. One doctor even told me that my body thinks it's allergic to my own skin, so my immune system was attacking me and causing the hives. Unfortunately, none of the medications he prescribed did anything. My husband thinks it could have to do with my anxiety, and not being able to calm myself down in those moments of distress. After recording when I get the hives, keeping food journals, and noticing a correlation between the anxiety and hives, I'm starting to see that there has got to be the problem.
Even though my body panics at the slightest levels of stress, and my body attacks itself, the reason it's doing these things is to try and protect me. It's hard to look at it that way, especially when I'm in the middle of almost dying. But after having the miscarriage last Christmas, my panic attacks last a lot longer than they used to. Some even have what I call aftershocks, and I have multiple attacks throughout the day. On any given day, they can happen. Hives and panic attacks alike.
What I've been learning is that it isn't my fault. Anxiety is never your fault. It's okay to not feel okay, but it isn't okay to blame yourself for it. Panic attacks are never your fault. Don't let anyone try to belittle you, force you to do things you're not comfortable with, or tell you that you can just flip a switch and change. Everything takes time. I'm almost 22 years old, and I'm just now starting to cope with having anxiety. Never put a time limit on yourself of when you're supposed to feel better, or be "normal." That's going to make things ten thousand times harder for you. Focus on the present, and do what you can do without pushing yourself to that breaking point. And if you do start to go down that path, that's okay. You're learning how to cope with anxiety. Like Thomas Edison said when he invented the light bulb, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
It's easy to let anxiety rule your life; I've let it rule mine for a long, long time. What isn't easy is working hard trying to find ways to help you combat those feelings. Don't be upset with yourself if it doesn't happen right away. You're giving it your best effort. Start with walking to door, then open it. Walk through the door to the driveway, then to the mailbox. Before you know it, you'll be walking/running/driving/flying all over the place. All because you wanted to get better.
There are still going to be some things that are very difficult for you to do. Focusing on those things will take away from the achievements you make every day in reaching the goal you've set for yourself. Revel in those moments of conquer, and let it be a reminder for you to keep moving forward.
This blog post makes me feel like I've rambled on for three weeks straight, and I don't want to go on for too much longer. If any of you struggle with anxiety, please try some of the things mentioned that help me. Missing out on opportunities in life is no way to live. You can do anything you want to do, even if you have anxiety. It just takes a little tie for people like us to figure out what it IS we want to do, and then put it into action. I'd like to open up the comment section as a hub for anyone seeking advice, help, support, or just needs to talk with someone dealing with similar ailments. Feel free to comment down below if you, or someone you know, has anxiety. There might be ways that calm you down I haven't mentioned, and you can leave those options down below too.
Thank you to everyone who reads my posts, it's very reassuring that all of you are interested in what I have to say. This topic hits home for me, and I'd like to start shedding more and more light on it because I think a lot of you can benefit from this.
Remember, you are never alone. No matter what you think, it will always get better.
Live long and prosper.
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