Hello everyone! Sorry for being dead this past month, a ton has happened! I found out that I am pregnant, and things have been on the up and up since my anxiety post during the beginning of the month. We've put together out desk, bought/put together/filled our new dresser, and I've almost completely unpacked the whole house.
For the next nine months, I'm going to track my progress and personal experience during pregnancy. At only 5 weeks, a lot can happen before I'm out of the woods. Those of you who are unaware, I've already had one miscarriage; last December. That doesn't mean I can't have a healthy pregnancy and carry baby to term. It also means that every ache and pain and anything I could possibly feel makes me afraid that I'm having a miscarriage.
With morning sickness, mood swings, food aversions and cravings, and extreme fatigue, I've got all the tell tale signs that there's a bun in the oven. Yesterday morning (Sunday), the one thing no pregnant woman wants to see reared its ugly head; blood. Freaking out, I called my husband to the bathroom and told him I think I'm having a miscarriage. Again. But the level-headed man that he is, he talked me off the ledge and got me to call the 24 hour RN to get some medical advice as to what to do. She said it could just be implantation spotting. Implantation spotting is when the fertilized egg attaches to the lining of the uterus, rupturing some blood vessels and causing light bleeding. It usually occurs 6-12 days after conception, and typically lasts 1-2 days.
My mind slowly easing off the derailed miscarriage train, I thought it's probably only implantation bleeding. After all, I had some spotting during my last pregnancy, long before my body terminated the pregnancy, and was completely fine. This time, which is even lighter than last time and more accurately within the time line of when implantation spotting occurs, I should be less anxious. Yet here I am, freaking out via blog post, watching The Office, eating homemade lemon cupcakes. Why? Because I'm still technically pregnant and that's what pregnant women do.
The good news is that last night, I got super nauseous and ended up losing some noodles that I ate for dinner. I know, how is that good news? Morning sickness means your body is still producing those raging pregnancy hormones that baby needs to grow. Not every woman will have morning sickness during pregnancy, though many will. I am one of the ones that has experienced it.
I've also had my fair share of mood swings, which are like PMS times eight thousand. A plastic bag blowing in the wind could set me over the edge into tears. My husband filling up the water pitcher's filter before pouring me a glass could be the end of life as we know it. It's hard, but it's also good that I'm having these mood swings because those hormones are still raging, and baby is still growing.
This post is meant to reassure myself that I can carry this baby to term, and that even if I don't, I WILL carry a baby to term. I don't know if there are any other expecting mothers out there that are going through something similar to what I am. If you're like me, leave a comment below and we can help build each other up in support. It's important to have a group of people, in person or virtually, that are on your team and what to see you be your best self.
Through my past miscarriage, I learned that even people in your family circle can be pretty cruel and insensitive. You don't have to have negative people in your life, and it's up to you to stand up fr yourself. Positive thinking, however small, can help you grow. At the same time, negative thinking can deter you from reaching your full potential. I don't have answers as to how to deal with bad moments in your life.
Being pregnant, no matter what your age is, is both wonderful and terrifying. Especially in the first trimester. You don't know whether or not your going to be in the delivery room in nine months. You don't know if you should be over the moon and tell everyone from Obama to One Direction. The unknown variables are constantly piling up for me, and with anxiety, the weight is starting to implode. This time is different. And it's hard not to compare this pregnancy with my last one. Very hard. But this time IS different. I'm different. My husband is different. Copper is different. Our circumstances are different. Everything is different. Through faith, I came back to the light after being in such a dark place over Christmas and the New Year. Unlike last time. I'm relying on faith to get me through everything now, not just some things.
I hope you guys enjoy the new saga of posts that will be uploaded throughout this pregnancy, however long that may be. I'm confident that whatever the outcome, I'll be better than I am today. Leave comments with your thoughts/experience. I love hearing from you guys.
Live long and prosper.
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